Amy Schumer and Bill Hader in Trainwreck (Universal Pictures)

Mwah mwah Amy Schumer. Bring this woman a cocktail! You’re the new It Girl, America’s dirty-mouthed, vape-puffing, sleep-around sweetheart. You’re all over TV, and you’ve teamed up with Judd Apatow, Mr. Comedy Gold. Manohla Dargis calls you a genius, GQ puts you on the cover, and Internet listicles overthink everything you do. The whole world loves loves loves you, baby!

And it gets even better. Because now, with some savvy advice, you will be poised to reach your full potential. How does a star like you feel about being given unsolicited moviemaking tips by, to put it generously, a total nobody? Well, good. By the authority in me invested by Film-Forward and my standing as one of the millions who are going to see Trainwreck this summer, here are priceless insight to guide your talent to the next level. Upping the game will be hard work, but you’ve got what it takes. You can thank me later over a shot of cinnamon fireball whiskey.

If you’re going to call your movie Trainwreck, please make it a trainwreck.

Can’t you make us cover our eyes in horror at least once? With a title like this, we expect—demand—vile raunch, eye-watering embarrassment, and 12 bushels of used sex toys flying off the Ferris wheel onto the screaming throngs at Coney Island. Or something.

What you deliver is mild boozing and slam-bang sex that doesn’t look like much fun. And you introduce us to the notion that women can be as crass as men as though the idea is shocking (it isn’t). C’mon, Amy. Ramp up the cringe-inducing antics and goose the energy. Keep your promises.

Decide what kind of movie you really want to make.

Ask yourself, “What’s my motivation?” Did you want Trainwreck to be a blithe romcom? A you-go-girl trailblazer? A goofy Apatow insider-fest with cameos from the likes of LeBron James and Marv Albert? An analysis of its (not terribly) messed-up lead character’s toxic bachelorette ways? Or— please, no —a feel-good affirmation of love and family? Your movie struggles to be all these things. Genre-hopping is fine, but it feels weird the way you’ve done it, uncertain and laborious. Scenes that go on too long and 20 extra minutes in the running time don’t help. Focus, girl! And keep an eye out for Apatow bringing too much of his schmaltz to the party.

This is your picture. Don’t let your co-stars run away with it.

No offense, Amy, but Tilda Swinton playing your conniving boss blows you off the screen the second she walks into frame. Her cheesy bravado and bizarre fashion-victim getup pack a punch you just can’t match. On the subtle end of the scale, romantic foil Bill Hader steals scenes from you by deftly balancing his comic nerd and sincere, straight-up guy. He’s a real actor with solid instincts, and he makes you look a little unsure of where you are.

On the downside, you’ve let Colin Quinn horn in way too deeply as your nasty dad. He’s funny in his opening setup. In everything else he’s just gross and drags down every scene he’s in. Amy, you’ve been soooooooo generous in giving your co-stars lots of screen time and lines. Maybe too generous. Time for a rethink. You’re the boss, mama. There is no “I” in ensemble.

Try a little less conversation, a little more action.

Ms. Schumer, you are one of the best physical comedians on screen today. Why not work that angle a little more? This movie gets bogged down in jaw-jaw, but some of its funniest, most poignant scenes are wordless. You strike kooky facial expressions, stumble around in high heels, and perform a cheerleader routine that doesn’t just get laughs, it’s adorable. Your pauses are brilliant. Ever considered joining a mime troupe? Or how about a raunchy remake of The Artist to showcase your out-there nonverbal skills?

Amy, I know your movie’s already in the can, and it’s sure to make boffo box office. Unless the hype is louder than the actual work, we’ll see. In the meantime, study up and bring your crassest, gnarliest A skills next time. Here’s hoping Trainwreck II is a real mess. A car crash. America will thank you for it, and we’ll break out the Pappy van Winkle. You don’t mind buying, do you?